Bienvenue 2013

This year is coming closer to its end. And as some people believe, end to the very existence. I am frankly speaking, not bothered about it at all. If I am dying, so are you, and the rest. So I wont be alone. And I will live my life till death. Well, that is not the point of this post. As usual, this is the time of the year I write about things that have touched me. I used to write posts in retrospect of how the year had been. It was a roller coaster of a year ! Since I have written a lot more than I ever expected, I am now going to look ahead into the future. Here is a list of things I wish to do in 2013.

1. Become slim : Honestly this has been on my list ever since I started making a list. But I really wish the change happens.
2. Sing: Properly that is. To be able to join music classes and sing carnatic music. Because, whenever I sang carnatic music, I could sing just any genre with great ease.
3. Run a marathon: Ambitious, I know. But it is a nice one.
4. Swim : Not just survive when thrown into the pool, but actually swim quite a few strokes.
5. Mountain biking: To go on an adventure in Leh-Manali by mountain biking. I heard it is a real endurance test, and something to do before kicking the bucket (given the insanity, earlier the better, and best done in youth)
6. Bungee jumping: I hope to combine it in a 10 or 12 day trip and make this happen. Bungee and water rafting must happen this year !
7. Play the guitar: I have made quite a lot of donations to people to tutors, but never managed to play one song.
8. Paint : Atleast one masterpiece, and few good potraits as pencil sketches. Charcoal sounds ambitious, but I will see this at the end of the year.
9. Gardening: To really bring life in my garden that was lost about 14 years ago.
10. Travel: Insanity never ends, and I would never want to end travelling.
11. Learn a lot more: may be an education, or may be just observation, or just learning.  

Weekends

I never realized why my mother used to tell her friends/students/acquaintances "I owe my daughter a lot for having sacrificed every weekend of hers for my work". The reason I never felt it a sacrifice of any sort was because she was there for me every day when I came back from school, and that completely made up for everything she felt she has denied me. It was a routine to help her with her work for a long time, long enough till I found myself a job where I started working on weekdays. I started thinking that her work was bizzare only when I got out to see people claiming a weekend to be "something". In the beginning of my new work, I  felt the need to rest during the weekend to be able to jump again for work.

I happened to meet a senior in my line of work, who asked me "One job? that is it? What have you achieved, and what do you think you can achieve by the time you are 25?" I felt he was mad, I had people to support me saying that capacities for men and women are different, and I should not be bothering. And how horrible I feel today that I fell for the latter, when I believe a person should only be self empowered and not by anyone else for any factor, and the cheapest being a weaker gender. 

Anyways, both the discussions happened for a short while, but thoughts were flowing for a long time. Long enough till I felt tired of resting for two full days of the weekend, and started finding myself useless the rest of the time. 

Today, I shook up to help my mom. I promised her last night, and got up late. Early enough to help her for work. And for having lost the gap of doing this, I had a trouble getting back in touch in the first place. End of the day, I was tired, I don't deny. But I was not unhappy. I was happier for being useful, for I never understood what a great asset my mother gave me to teach me to be productive on weekends, and I no longer care if I cannot go to a movie, or do something crazy on weekends. I am blessed with enough craziness to be mad on any given day. 

A little something for the Teachers

I still vividly remember an instance of my childhood, where a fortune teller told me that I have the "good luck" to become a doctor, and asked me "how do you like it?", and I quickly said "I d rather like to be a teacher" and he was not even a bit happy about what my reaction to his prediction. 

I have proven him, I am not a doctor, and I am closely related to academics, and have been a teacher. And it gives me immense happiness. 

September 5th- A day in India when everyone likes to celebrate Teacher's day in the memory of Sarvepalli Radhakrishna, each person having his/her own reasons to celebrate being under a teacher. I cannot deny that  I was once with the crowd for celebration just to avoid classes. But this was during the second year of inter at Narayana Junior College (that explains a lot doesn't it). Teaching is seriously not everyone's forte, and I have had some horrible teachers whom I wish to ignore. 

This year, Teacher's Day brought a lot of things to my mind. I was on my way to Mangalore, and in the airport I realized that the book I carried was checked in, and I had nothing else to do till I could board the flight. So I went and helped myself with a book. The book that first caught my eye was "To Sir, With Love" By E.R. Braithwaite, and I believe the celebration began from the moment I bought it. I was pretty unwell, but I gathered all energy to make a phone call and wish two very special teachers in my life- my Zoology sir who took lessons in the first year, and my first French professor. They mean a lot to me, and everyone knows how much. But I want to dedicate this post to a few more people. 

1. Mrs. Jessica Simon- Honestly, she was someone who scared the hell out of me, and I have spent many nights praying that she should not be my teacher. And later, every moment I regret that my prayers were heard. But the divinity taught me a lesson about being careful while asking things in prayer, and I have been careful ever since. She took may be 5 lessons of social studies at the max, and spent about a week with us, but I cherish all those moments listening to her in awe. She had a very bad temper, I agree. But in today's world we compromise with the temper of certain people who don't deserve it. She was someone who lost her cool only when things went out of control. When in class, she was the ONLY (yes, I dare to use caps to emphasize "only") modest, humble, patient, responsible, caring, mature, and rockingly cool teacher in that entire school. I remember meeting her at a public place once, and I was frozen as though I met an angel, and believe me, she asked me questions about me as a guardian angel would care, and told it in a way a sister would tell. 

2. Mrs. Shiela Rao: A woman who taught me to appreciate myself, she taught me how to fight, how to face odd things that happened to me in school, and of all how not to take shit from others. If you haven't guessed it yet, she was a sports teacher in the complete sense. I still remember that day in school when she scolded the girl who bullied me for years. She brought that girl down to tears, and it at least kept her away from me. That was something I could certainly not have done. The way she loved herself, and taught me not to be scared to speak out or punch a person on the face and so many other things, make me celebrate and be happy about what I am till today. Once she told us all that she doesn't care if we didn't wish her on Teacher's Day. But if we had her in our mind for even the shortest fraction of a second during moments of triumph in our lives, she said it was her achievement. As far as I am concerned, I have her in my mind in the most respectable place whenever I achieve anything big or small. 

3. Mr. C. V. Pragash: My mother sent me to tuitions as she could not sit with me to help me with studies. I did have tough times in his classes, but in due course of time, within two terms, I recovered from a lot of emotional trauma. I started finding solace in studying, and in getting good marks. He cared for every student as his own child, and balanced classes quite well. I owe all the credits to him for having changed my attitude towards mathematics, and making me like it. Now I have to get back to it, as the teachers in my UG have totally torn it apart, and I feel lost even while making simple calculations. If I got back to teaching, he would certainly be very proud of me. 

4. Dr Latha Surendra: She was comfortably over 50 when she taught us Chemistry in our UG. If it wasn't for her, I would have surely not even completed my basic education given how horrible the quality of education was at UG. There was a charm of pure intelligence in her face, and her smile would put us at ease or discomfort, depending on what she actually wants us to feel. Something I never forget till date about what she said "...and life goes on". There will be things that trouble us, but life goes on, and we can't stop. I still respect her for what I have got from being her student. 

5. Dr. Sarala Mahidra: Attending language classes will be a bore unless you have someone stern or it is your personal interest to attend it. But a person being stern enough to make you develop an interest to attend a language class is very rare. She is a woman of poise! Way shorter than me, but her aura of knowledge in her field, and the confidence in knowing what comes out of her mouth made a solid impression of her in my mind and heart. I doubt that I will ever be the very soft voiced teacher in class, because my role model Mrs. Sarala was someone who would ensure she is well heard. I get a good lot of inspiration from her to be a good teacher. 

Sadly, I have moved out of teaching for the past few months, and I have suddenly started to regret that. "Life goes on..", and I can teach again as I really want to. Now I would like to add about a colleague who inspired me to get back to teaching. He was so happy talking about how much teaching made him evolve, and how he looked at it, and it was quite intense and passionate. Closer to the very end of the listening, I added that I was a teacher once, so I can totally understand what he felt, and how he looks at it, because I have enjoyed such moments as a teacher. I began to introspect why should I deny myself of that feeling when I don't really have to. With so many great teachers in my life, and the blessing of being in the line of academics, I am once again inspired to teach. 

  

Child's Play

It is quite often that we hear from people older saying "life is not a child's play"
Yesterday I witnessed something that totally contradicted this philosophy of the mentally, and physically old people, for such a conclusion is the very end.

The city had a few showers to cool the place a bit, and there was a small patch of water in the temple where I went yesterday. All of us made sure not to step on it, and went on with our own activities. There is always something charming about these small temples in the neighborhood. They play a wonderful part of your childhood, and about everyday life in general. So yesterday, there were a bunch of kids playing some game. A cute skinny girl caught my attention. I loved that child for the way she enjoyed every bit of running around. and suddenly in a while I saw her face not so happy. She was showing her mom how she got herself wet, and how it hurt skidding in the water patch. The small patch had become large, spread over by area, and you could make out that the culprit was a kid by the footprints that went out of it.
The best part of it was that she continued running with the same enthusiasm as she was. I suddenly stopped and gave a look at her. I wanted to see her face clearly. Her milk teeth had fallen off, and she was a growing girl. the toothless wonder gave me a charming and warm smile and asked me "hEy!!! When did you come??" I said "a while ago" and continued with what I was doing, she continued what she was upto, we bumped into each other ever now and then, and she showed me how she got herself wet, how her hands turned red (due to some other prank), and so many such things in short intervals. I then saw her dance to the music on the water where she fell, with the same smile of hers. How we forget such beautiful things when we keep growing up. She learnt to get over it, and dance over the thing that could actually hurt her. How many of us today make conquer the troubles that potentially harm us, and make it a fun experience? Like everyone make friends at such places, that girl is now my friend. We don't know each others names, where we stay, but we are friends and we need no reason to give naughty smiles at each other.
This story ends where the water patch got completely disappeared. She spread the little water all over, and it got dried immediately. Everyone walked across comfortably not having to worry about skidding.
So next time you find someone saying "it is not a child's play", you can most certainly take it for granted that they are frustrated souls who cannot connect to the coming new generation. (For people of my age: accept it, a new generation has started coming, it is beyond your own niece/nephew, the kids in the park, street, local temple or just anywhere.) Stay connected with people of different races, generations, cultures etc. It will keep you most lively and you will enjoy every moment of living, and literally play your way through everything.

Something that just came on my facebook home page. So apt to the situation

Current track: Birds chirping outside the window... (importance of connecting with nature will come on some other time)

Reasons to Smile

Most of the times when we have felt sad/unhappy are the times we ve felt so without knowing the reason, or because we don't know answers/solutions.
But should we at all need reasons to be happy or feel anything for that matter? IMO, not at all. Yet we need reasons to be convinced for just anything. Being reasonable, rational, and objective is perhaps fine as long as all goes on well. As for me, just for today, everyday I choose to be happy.

Having beaten around the bush, I am going to get to my point. I am not searching for happiness (that one doesn't actually ever lose, but just overlooks, I am no exception), I have rather been thinking of reasons to smile (pose) for pictures.

Yesterday I updated my status on facebook about how wonderful my recent travel experience was. Work on the other hand went off pretty well. But to my surprise, it always says "this is visible only to you" no matter how much I try to change the settings. Now I cant even ask for help in that column!

There are lots of things we are immersed in life that is worth sharing, worth looking at worth retrospecting, worth storing. I never liked the way I look, that I have been avoiding posing for pictures over the last few years. But today when I look at the few pictures that actually came up, or the really old ones, I realized what big mistake I did by not freezing many moments in life.
Besides that, here is a video that I would like to share with you that changed a lot about my perception about youth, and also changed my mind as to why I d want to have pictures of mine.

Here is the conversation that happened with voice number 1 and 4 inside my head:

V1: Should I really get back to posing for pics?
V4: Its beyond posing. It is to capture those moments of life that take our breath away ; and of those moments that make us smile different and unique every time.
V1: I m quite skeptic that people already think I am mad to be smiling too often
V4: Good, because it is love that is madness (temporary or not-no comments yet). Rights to insanity; love and peace with thyself, what else could justify it better? Go ahead, see yourself smile when you are out living life.

We don't realize how much we have created in life for ourselves, how much of opportunities, chances, the future and most special and important- "the present"
So I decided that it is no longer just enough for me to live my life to the fullest, claim posing for pictures to be mundane, and concluded that having my own pictures is living a life larger than given. 

On a completely different note: Quite a few people asked me if whatever I covered in the post one life well lived is really possible, here is a video that quite conveys what I had in my mind when I wrote that post. Thanks to the facebook fraternity for giving that thought a good publicity.

Current track (in the player) : Snow on the Sahara - Enigma

The connection

This post is dedicated to all the people who miss a special person in their life.
Losing a person close to you is never a pleasure, it will hurt for eternity even if you have thousands of friends, hundreds of close ones, and a few really close who would do their best to keep your mind away from pain. But practical reality is that nothing is permanent. It takes us a long time to realize it.(took me 12 years!) All we can do is to keep them alive with us in the best possible way, and somehow through that space, we see they do try to live with us.
I ve been missing my dad really bad for the past three weeks, horribly bad. Although I have an adorable mom, a mom is a mom, and dad is dad. It would be silly of me to ask her to be like him, which she is not made/meant to be. So there has been a lot of silence in the house from my side, and a lot of sound from her trying to pull me out.
So I decided yesterday that I have to break it open and go out. I went out for a walk, and then for a run in the gym (Didn't go for either today, taking my weekend off even for that. How sad can I be), and felt much better, in continuation, today I cleaned my room. Believe me it was so messy and I was not yet in peace with myself that I actually googled "how to clean your room". Life can get that pathetic. I cleaned a major portion of my room, and it now looks livable. I then decided that I am going to the grocery shop (its not even a proper super market) that I ve always fancied shopping. (For some strange reason, I like grocery shopping the most. It perhaps talks about my quality/nature/character that I am more a home bunny).
I went there, and spent about half an hour, a duration which is generally not permitted, and bought a very few things for my own absolute necessities, somethings for the house in general, some things for my mom, and some absolutely useless things (er.. dont think i bought too many things.. all put together would sum upto 15 items at the max, and I spent half an hour for it. Imagine!)
I enjoyed every bit of staring at everything in the shop, all the things in the market on the way to the shop.
As I came home, I realized that I now had things to reduce the available space in the room which I cleaned in the morning. But in a short while, the room looked exactly like what my dad's room would look like. A computer table cleaned regularly, and well organized, goodies stacked in a corner, just sufficiently well lit, cozy and very daddy.

Moral: I felt that dad reached out to me only when I made an attempt to go out and set things right for myself, and make sure I bring him on a positive note. If you are missing that specialness of that person who has left you, it is all up to you to to keep them with you. There are many other banal things that I miss, I am sure in a while I will either get over them, or get them over!
Wishing all the people out there fighting hard against depression, a successful way out
Love and peace !

U Turn

It has not been even two complete weeks since I returned that I have started planning for another major outdoor activity far far away from home (and worse, reduce my bank balance which is on an all time low).
Its a rather strange time of life where I prefer to travel than arrive. I have not yet concluded if this is something that I see in me which has been a part of many great people, if it is a spark of greatness, or is it just that I prefer this to stay away from a few things, or if it is something out there I need to discover, or whatever the reason could be, the truth is that the feeling of having arrived doesn't make me feel anything great.

I came back from the North of India covering few places. Few years back my mom took me to Kanyakumari, and this time we went toghether to Jammu and Kashmir, practically covering the two ends of the country. But I am just not contended yet. I would rather say that J&K have made me all the more want to travel (with a good camera of course). It is a U turn I decide to take when I have been thinking how hopeless and helpless I am with my life.

For the extremely odd adventure that I choose to take in my travels, I would prefer not putting my mom through all that stress and strain, and rather travel alone. I am not sure if I am going to announce to my friends about this intention or the exact plan considering my previous experience that it is always a big flop when I make big plans by discussing aloud with people. But again, like I recently read in the blog of an inspiring person, I should not let the probability of failing stop me from dreaming.

The best part of this is that my room looks beautiful with my dreams. I ve made posters and charts systematically planning my future for the next six months. The big encouragement I get is "If this dream can make my room look so beautiful, it will surely enrich my experiences in life, and make my present a pleasant past in the future".

Nandhini's mom has told her that she can go as far as she wants. I am not sure if she would want to join me on a trip yet. There is a lot to decide, and a lot more to implement, implying that there will be a lot more to think and even more to write here. I hope to see a day where this banal blog of mine becomes a wonderful travelogue.

I am keen on exploring places in my own country that I haven't.  Rest in the next.

Current track (playing): Meter Down - Taxi 9211