The New Christmas

Its been ages since i felt like this, and i am happy to write it down and share it.

It has been some sort of a co- incidence that most of my friends on facebook felt like they ve been " missing their own self" at the same time when i was feeling so.
One starts to grow up after school, and (s)he grows up in so many different ways, sometimes missing a part of oneself that defines the core. I had been feeling that quite a lot although i was very happy to welcome a lot of drastic changes in life.
The best thing that could happen would be to strike a right balance between the change and the constant "actual" self. I believe it is one of the toughest things to balance.
To balance anything, you need to touch the two extremes to know the mid point.
I am happy i touched extremes. But when you touch any extreme, it is tough for you to turn back.
It was in the beginning of December when i had met an official who is about 10 years senior to me, and had a conversation with him. I was confident enough to answer him anything he had asked me. I think the fact that my conversation with him would not do any great harm to my career gave me the confidence to speak bold (although i m glad it did some good). i enjoyed the whole day for having made him feel dumb with my answers, and he was short of questions. A narcissist i am who likes to make people shut up with my wits. Its a main reason i like to read, and know most of the things no matter how odd it is in the name of "general knowledge". And i do just everything possible to update my "general knowledge", and believe me, i ve been tagged by my best friend that i have a perseverance that knows no limits!
A few days later, i happened to talk to a friend who is only 2 years senior to me. Once i started answering, he asked me more and more questions. It was not many questions till i felt that i need to think further. i felt damn horrible that i could not answer a person who is just 2 years senior than me, when i could comfortably make a person 10 years senior speechless. He then reminded me of an age old technique that i used to follow to achieve whatever i have. It was a technique i followed well, and even taught it to about 100 people to make a difference in their life, and eventually in due course of time, i stopped practicing it.
That night i did not sleep, and worked on it. For about a week, i was immersed into an introspection.
Finally, i broke out of it two days back, and began working on the tasks that i had decided.
I landed giving myself a wonderful Christmas Gift. Here are the results of working out with that technique:
1. I no longer "miss" myself. i came back with a bang! :D :P
2. I could come to the center to be able to balance some odd extremes.
3. I started working on issues that are really pending, my priorities, and the rest. (don't ask what all they are, for its awfully lengthy to write down here in this space. so save yourself :P )
4. I decided that i shall not miss my dad, this Christmas i did everything that i would perhaps do if my dad were alive today.
I did not cut a whole KG of cake and decorate my house. But i lived up to the actual Christmas spirit.
My cook had bought some cake for me as he knows that Christmas is uniquely special to me and dad would have made sure that there is cake for Christmas.
I saw my dad in the cake that we all had together.
I was into sharing and giving things like how dad likes it.
I remember reading in one of my friend's status message that one doesn't have to wait for Christmas to learn to share/ give things. My dad sure was a person who believed that, although he had his own way of putting it to me. But i had to wait for Christmas to remind myself of dad, and i am glad about it.
I got in to do something that he really missed doing. Something that he would love to do if he were alive. and i took up doing it as a grown up. If he were alive today, he would be so happy to see me doing what he dreamt. What i did is a beautiful secret between us, and he d love to see me keep up the friendship even after his death.

There are a lot of people who have lost either of their parents in their life, and it sure is a scar no doubt, worse is that it gives a feeling of being "shattered" among the family members who are still alive. It has take me 11 years to realize that my father can still live. Its our thoughts and love that makes them continue to live.
I ve felt him alive in my Christmas today, and hope to see him in every festival to come in future.
It felt like he had taken along with him a part of our lives when he died, but today i feel that he has left some part of his life for us to live with.
I live in his dreams, his hopes, his ambitions, and of all things, his friendship and look forward to find him in many more things in life. It would surely be nice to have him here to celebrate the joy together, but it is not so horrible to cry in his physical absence.

Somewhere in ether, i believe his soul is wandering and my love would surely touch him and tell him that i d always be proud of being his daughter-friend. Merry Christmas appa!