The connection

This post is dedicated to all the people who miss a special person in their life.
Losing a person close to you is never a pleasure, it will hurt for eternity even if you have thousands of friends, hundreds of close ones, and a few really close who would do their best to keep your mind away from pain. But practical reality is that nothing is permanent. It takes us a long time to realize it.(took me 12 years!) All we can do is to keep them alive with us in the best possible way, and somehow through that space, we see they do try to live with us.
I ve been missing my dad really bad for the past three weeks, horribly bad. Although I have an adorable mom, a mom is a mom, and dad is dad. It would be silly of me to ask her to be like him, which she is not made/meant to be. So there has been a lot of silence in the house from my side, and a lot of sound from her trying to pull me out.
So I decided yesterday that I have to break it open and go out. I went out for a walk, and then for a run in the gym (Didn't go for either today, taking my weekend off even for that. How sad can I be), and felt much better, in continuation, today I cleaned my room. Believe me it was so messy and I was not yet in peace with myself that I actually googled "how to clean your room". Life can get that pathetic. I cleaned a major portion of my room, and it now looks livable. I then decided that I am going to the grocery shop (its not even a proper super market) that I ve always fancied shopping. (For some strange reason, I like grocery shopping the most. It perhaps talks about my quality/nature/character that I am more a home bunny).
I went there, and spent about half an hour, a duration which is generally not permitted, and bought a very few things for my own absolute necessities, somethings for the house in general, some things for my mom, and some absolutely useless things (er.. dont think i bought too many things.. all put together would sum upto 15 items at the max, and I spent half an hour for it. Imagine!)
I enjoyed every bit of staring at everything in the shop, all the things in the market on the way to the shop.
As I came home, I realized that I now had things to reduce the available space in the room which I cleaned in the morning. But in a short while, the room looked exactly like what my dad's room would look like. A computer table cleaned regularly, and well organized, goodies stacked in a corner, just sufficiently well lit, cozy and very daddy.

Moral: I felt that dad reached out to me only when I made an attempt to go out and set things right for myself, and make sure I bring him on a positive note. If you are missing that specialness of that person who has left you, it is all up to you to to keep them with you. There are many other banal things that I miss, I am sure in a while I will either get over them, or get them over!
Wishing all the people out there fighting hard against depression, a successful way out
Love and peace !

U Turn

It has not been even two complete weeks since I returned that I have started planning for another major outdoor activity far far away from home (and worse, reduce my bank balance which is on an all time low).
Its a rather strange time of life where I prefer to travel than arrive. I have not yet concluded if this is something that I see in me which has been a part of many great people, if it is a spark of greatness, or is it just that I prefer this to stay away from a few things, or if it is something out there I need to discover, or whatever the reason could be, the truth is that the feeling of having arrived doesn't make me feel anything great.

I came back from the North of India covering few places. Few years back my mom took me to Kanyakumari, and this time we went toghether to Jammu and Kashmir, practically covering the two ends of the country. But I am just not contended yet. I would rather say that J&K have made me all the more want to travel (with a good camera of course). It is a U turn I decide to take when I have been thinking how hopeless and helpless I am with my life.

For the extremely odd adventure that I choose to take in my travels, I would prefer not putting my mom through all that stress and strain, and rather travel alone. I am not sure if I am going to announce to my friends about this intention or the exact plan considering my previous experience that it is always a big flop when I make big plans by discussing aloud with people. But again, like I recently read in the blog of an inspiring person, I should not let the probability of failing stop me from dreaming.

The best part of this is that my room looks beautiful with my dreams. I ve made posters and charts systematically planning my future for the next six months. The big encouragement I get is "If this dream can make my room look so beautiful, it will surely enrich my experiences in life, and make my present a pleasant past in the future".

Nandhini's mom has told her that she can go as far as she wants. I am not sure if she would want to join me on a trip yet. There is a lot to decide, and a lot more to implement, implying that there will be a lot more to think and even more to write here. I hope to see a day where this banal blog of mine becomes a wonderful travelogue.

I am keen on exploring places in my own country that I haven't.  Rest in the next.

Current track (playing): Meter Down - Taxi 9211

 

4 C s

Conflict, Confusion, Contemplation, Chaos !

Disappointing, I know as it is nothing diamondy or romantic here. This is how my life is at the moment. Ever since I returned from J&K, these 4 C s have been playing a major role.
It has been a few years that I decided I will never want to see my future, but there was a time when I desperately wanted to know something of the future, and thankfully my principle did not reveal anything.

What makes one find it difficult to live with these 4 Cs? Everyone of us have these four throughout our lives, and even in the most insignificant years of our life, we strive hard and let the desperation find significant achievements. When we are completely aware that it is inevitable, why do we let it trouble us?

I had been pondering on the last point as to why do I let it trouble me when I know that life is about being in a perpetual want/need of something where these 4 imply.  Today morning I woke up with great hope that I would be able to have access to the internet to do useless things, and a solution to this struck me on reading the blog of an inspiring person.

I will have to live with these four, I have no choice, being completely aware of it, I would never want to leave any stone in life unturned, and should I fail or fall, I will dust the shame, gulp the pain, and rise with confidence to fall another thousand times till I succeed. Life hasn't been easy to most of the people who have lead it in a way that inspires me, mine is no exception, I will have to go with it like a mountain trek, or even a horseback ride. I prefer to take this courage and try my life out than going for a soul searching at this age. Anyways what is youth meant for?

On a completely different note: My spectacles aka the real eyes are on its way home ! God Bless Amitava

Current track (listening) : Quatre murs et un toit - Benabar.

Vacation March 2012

Yes I call it vacation "March 2012", as I am excersising my rights to insanity.

1. Delhi metro is good, but traffic on road is bad, and it is never pleasant to miss a flight due to traffic.

2. Missing a flight is bad, especially when your old mom is waiting for you at the destination.

3. You will look nothing less than a joker running on the road with the luggage with hopes to reach the airport when there is heavy traffic. ( Nevertheless, I would say I managed to reach Jammu only because I was bold enough to run)

4. If you still don't follow what happened, I heard that the facebook fraternity has already made a great publicity of the traffic on the 29th of March in New Delhi. (atleast, that is what I was said)

5. When you have to take yet another road trip, but you have your mom on whose lap you can sleep, you will be in the state of bliss

6. It is never wise to go on adventures after hectic work schedules.

7. Six hours of horseback riding on a mountain can ruin your back for good (it took me some significant time to recover inspite of the medecine ! ). Sadly, it doesn't even give you a feeling of being a princess charming or a Jhansi ki Rani.

8. ---- ---- (For my own professional safety, I prefer to avoid writing this point. If you are still interested to know what it is, you will )

9. Being a parent to your mom who is in her second childhood is priceless !

10. Being a part of making your mom's long lost dream come true is a blessing.

11. Rushing home earlier than mom just to make her favorite food for dinner gives the feeling of "being alive" that you really need !

---- All is well that ends well----

Current track (inside my head): Tournent les violins- Jean Jacques Goldman.